was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
