I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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