Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
