I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
