i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
