I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
