After last night, I could never be a politician.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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