I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
