i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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