1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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