I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
