i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
