It's Friday. Sex?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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