Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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