Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
