Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
