I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
