i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
