i think my mom watched the whole time
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Found the puke drawer
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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