My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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