your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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