I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
