I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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