The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
