i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize