You can't special order awesome
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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