I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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