Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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