I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize