Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
