If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Randomize
