He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Green mimosas i think yes
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
