No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize