She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
