I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
