Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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