Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
