theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
These tits shall not be calmed
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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