its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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