yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
