Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
