I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
