All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
