Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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