She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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