I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
