I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
