Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
