how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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