The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
there is glitter all over my balls
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize