Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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