Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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