do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
