when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
