I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
