dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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