I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think your dad took our porno
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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