So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize