Cold hands, warm shart.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize