she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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