I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
