"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
